A message to a friend whose pet has died
You heard from them, or you saw it online, and now you are holding your phone. A friend does not need a perfect message. They need one that names the animal and asks nothing of them.
The first message
Keep it short. Use the pet's name, say you are sorry and, if you can, name one thing you remember about the animal. A specific memory says more than a general phrase. Then tell them they do not have to answer.
When it was sudden
- I can't believe it about [name]. I'm so sorry. You don't have to reply, I just wanted you to know I'm here.
- What a shock. [Name] was fine last time I saw [him/her]. Thinking of you tonight.
When they had the pet put to sleep
They may be going over the decision again and again. Say nothing about whether it was the right moment. Say something about how they cared for the animal.
- You did the last thing [name] needed from you. That takes love.
- I'm so sorry. [Name] had you on [his/her] side every day of [his/her] life.
When the pet was old
- Fourteen years of [name]. That's a lot of walks to miss. I'm sorry.
- [Name] had a long life with you, and it still wasn't long enough. Thinking of you.
For a cat, a rabbit or another small pet
Some people treat the loss of a small animal as a small loss. Your friend may not. Write the same way you would for a dog.
- I'm so sorry about [name]. The windowsill is going to look very empty.
- I know how much [name] was part of your day. Sending you a hug.
If you never met the pet
- I never met [name], but I know from you how much [he/she] meant. I'm sorry.
- You talked about [name] so often I feel I knew [him/her] a little. Thinking of you.
If they live far away
A voice note can carry more than a text when you cannot be there. Keep it under a minute, and ask nothing they have to answer.
Name one thing you remember
The detail is what makes a message theirs. In Bruno's book, an example, the Great Dane never heard Eva's car, only her keys on the garden path, and stood at the door before she reached it. A line like “He always heard your keys first” tells the owner someone else saw it too. Bruno is an example, not a customer.
Eva's keys
Bruno never heard Eva's car when she arrived. He heard something smaller and closer: her keys, on the garden path outside. That was enough. He got up at once and stood at the door, planted right in front of it, so that Hein had to push him aside just to let her in.
Bruno19
He heard the keys before anyone else did. Bruno20
What to leave out
- Comparisons with a pet you lost, or with a person who died.
- Questions about how it happened. They will tell you if they want to.
- Advice about getting a new pet.
- Any sentence that starts with “At least”.
Offer one concrete thing
“Let me know if you need anything” leaves the work with them. The RSPCA suggests practical help, such as a meal, a lift or a walk. Put a day on it: soup on Thursday, a lift to collect the ashes, a walk on Sunday.
The message weeks later
Most messages come in the first two days, and then they stop. A short text two or three weeks later lands when nobody else is writing. Blue Cross names a pet's birthday and the day it arrived as dates that can bring grief back, so those are good days to write too.
- Thinking of you and [name] today. No need to answer.
- Walked past the park and thought of [name] dragging you to the pond. Miss [him/her].
When they post about it online
A comment under the post is fine, and a message of your own is better. Use the name and one memory. If you knew the animal, a photo you took of it can be the kindest reply: they may not have that one.
Something to give later
If you want to give something with your message, a book about the animal is one choice. Your friend makes it themselves when they are ready, from their own memories and photos.
More words
Pet sympathy messages for a cardPoems to sendIf their grief stays heavy: where to find support
Questions
What do you text a friend whose dog died?
The dog's name, that you are sorry, one thing you remember about it, and that they need not reply. Two or three lines are enough.
Should I call or text?
Text first. A call asks them to talk when they may not want to. Offer to call if they would like that.
What if I didn't know their pet?
Say so, and say you know what the animal meant to them. That is honest, and it is enough.
When should I check in again?
Two or three weeks later, and on dates like the pet's birthday or the day it came home.
Is a heart emoji enough?
Under a post, as a first sign, yes. A few words with the pet's name are better when you can.
Give your friend a book about their pet
In memory, with your message. They make it themselves when they are ready; the gift is valid for a year.
Give the giftGift €34.99. The eBook and the hardcover, shipping included. Or the eBook alone for €6.99. The recipient makes the book themselves. Valid one year.