Explaining a pet's death to a child
Plain words help a child more than soft ones that leave them unsure what happened. This page has words you can use, what children understand at each age, and what you can do together afterwards.
Use the word “died”
Say that the pet has died and will not come back. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) suggests explaining that a pet that has died stops moving, cannot see or hear, and will not wake up again.
Leave out “put to sleep”: a young child can connect it with their own bedtime. Leave out “went to live on a farm” too: Cruse warns it can leave a child feeling responsible.
AACAP: when a pet diesCruse: dealing with the death of a pet
What children understand at each age
These ages are rough, from AACAP. Your child may be ahead or behind.
- About three to five: death seems temporary, something that can be undone. Expect “When is she coming back?” more than once.
- About six to eight: they begin to understand what death means, and may ask about the body, the vet or what happens next.
- From about nine: most understand that death is permanent.
Words you can use
Written for this page. Put your pet's name in.
- To a three- or four-year-old: “Biscuit died today. Her body stopped working. She can't eat or run or feel anything now, and she won't come back. We are sad, and we will miss her.”
- To a six-year-old: “Biscuit was very old and very ill, and the vet couldn't make her better. Her heart stopped, and she died. You can ask me anything about it.”
- To a child of nine or older: “Biscuit died this morning. The vet said her kidneys had stopped working and nothing more could be done. Do you want to know more about what happened?”
When the pet was put to sleep
Explain it truthfully and simply: the animal was very ill or very old, the vet could not make it better, and the vet gave it medicine so that it died and would not suffer any more. NC State's veterinary school suggests saying that some things doctors can fix in people cannot be fixed in an animal.
If you know beforehand, AACAP advises letting the child say goodbye before the pet dies, where that is possible.
The same question, again
Young children take in hard news in short bursts. A child may go back to playing and return an hour or a week later with the same question. Answer it the same plain way each time (NC State).
Let them see you are sad
You do not have to hide your grief. Name the feelings, theirs and yours: sad, angry, confused. Dogs Trust advises telling the child that you are grieving too, so they do not feel alone, and notes that a grieving child may be cross or clingy for a while.
Things to do together
- Draw a picture of the pet and frame it.
- Write the pet a letter.
- Paint a stone for the grave, or bury the collar or the bowl.
- Scatter the ashes together.
- Tell each other one story about the pet at dinner.
- Make a memory book with photos and the child's own stories. Purdue's veterinary hospital names it as a help for children.
A child's place in the pet's life
Bommel was a rabbit, 2017 to 2025, in a family with two children, Lieve and Sem. His book, an example, has a page about Sem reading to him every evening from his school reading book, even when Bommel was already asleep. A child's answer to “What did you do together?” is worth writing down. Bommel is an example, not a customer.
Who loved him
- Sem, reading aloud every evening
- His school reading book
- Milan from next door, every Saturday
- A carrot, left at the door
Bommel17Every evening, every Saturday
Sem read to him from his school reading book every evening, even when Bommel was already asleep. And Milan from next door stood at the door every Saturday with a carrot, and never wanted to come in. Two kinds of loyalty, both turning up on schedule, whether or not Bommel was awake to notice.
Bommel18
School and other adults
Tell the teacher, so a quiet or upset day at school has an explanation. Ask grandparents and childminders to use the same words you do.
Books that help
- The Invisible Leash, by Patrice Karst, recommended by Dogs Trust.
- When a Pet Dies, by Fred Rogers, on NC State's list.
- Dog Heaven and Cat Heaven, by Cynthia Rylant, on NC State's list.
A new pet
AACAP says it is usually best not to replace the pet straight away. Let the child miss the animal first. A new one is not a repair for the old one.
When to get help
If your child seems overwhelmed by grief and cannot keep up their normal routine, AACAP advises getting help. Start with your doctor or the school.
More after a loss
Questions
Should I tell my child the pet was put to sleep?
Tell them the pet died, and that the vet helped because it could not get better. Avoid the phrase “put to sleep”, which young children can confuse with going to bed.
How do I explain death to a three-year-old?
Short and concrete: the body stopped working, the pet cannot eat or play or feel any more, and it will not come back. Expect to say it again.
Is it OK to cry in front of my child?
Yes. It shows that sadness about the pet is normal, and that they are not alone in it.
Should we get a new pet straight away?
It is usually better to wait, so the child has time to miss the pet that died.
What books help children with pet loss?
The Invisible Leash by Patrice Karst, When a Pet Dies by Fred Rogers, and Cynthia Rylant's Dog Heaven and Cat Heaven.
For another family that lost a pet
Give a book about their pet in memory. They can make it together when they are ready, within a year.
Give the giftGift €34.99. The eBook and the hardcover, shipping included. Or the eBook alone for €6.99. The recipient makes the book themselves. Valid one year.
Make a book about your pet, together.
Make one for your peteBook €6.99, hardcover €27.99 on top, shipping included. You pay after the questions.